Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I walked away from a relationship.

It was fun and we laughed a lot and it was special, but there came a moment yesterday morning when I realized without a doubt in my mind that the person I was investing my time and energy and emotions into, who I cared about and thought about and put above my own needs sometimes, didn’t value me as much as he should.  That he wasn’t as excited to see me as my friends are or as I am when I see him. That I knew way more about him, his family, his music and his talents than he knew about me or my life or my talents or my performing career.  But not because I wasn’t eager to share.  He just never asked.  I don’t even think he knows I’m a comedian, now that I think about it.

In the past I wouldn’t have left. I would have stayed, trying to prove to this person that I was as great as I wanted and hoped to be, all the while letting it chip away at my self respect.  I would have waited until he left me.  Or until something else caused it to end, like one of us moving away or traveling.  In trying to make this person love me or want to love me or at least like me a lot, I would have stopped liking myself and started resenting him.

And the truth is that both of us knew it was short term from the beginning and even talked about it.  Yet still, I was willing to see what would happen and crack myself wide open, expiration dates or not.

I’ve been crying some, which is a good sign for the likes of me.  And I still sort of want him to come chasing after me and ask me why I’m upset and what he can do to make it better, but I know he won’t.  Because, as I suspected awhile ago but didn’t want to believe, I’m not as important to him as I want to be. This doesn’t mean he’s not a great guy. It just means he doesn’t see that I’m a great gal (I think I am at least…. I hope so!).

So now I am staying with my closest girlfriend here in Patagonia for a few days and licking my wounds.  And I’m letting her nurture me the way only a good female friend can.  I was planning to head to Chile soon anyways.  In some ways, he’s made it easier.  Now I’m regaining my strength and preparing for he next chapter and whatever lessons it will bring.

I don’t regret any of this.  I love that my heart is open finally, that after years of one night stands and meaningless flings, I am willing and able to give and receive more and be vulnerable and all that crap.  Besides the good times, this guy taught me that I’ve grown a lot and changed, so I will forever be grateful to him for that.

Okay, now back to being sarcastic and goofy instead of  sappy and stuff.